How to Impress Your Empress

If you couldn’t tell from the stark contrast between the men’s and women’s line for the bathroom, the Goose Chick is a rare and beautiful bird. The jam band scene is a notorious sausage fest, and our gaggle is no exception. With at least 3:1 odds not in their favor, the el homies find themselves at a great disadvantage when Seeking to Jive with a like-minded partner while the hens rule the roost with their pick of the flock. Here’s some insider tips to help the average peacock get involved:

Score the tickets. Want to show her you have your shit together? Nothing proves your dedication, focus, and ability to perform under pressure better than waking up an hour before pre-sale, doing the research, and delivering results. ALWAYS go straight to the source and check the venue website. Use multiple devices and browsers. Check your inter-web connection. Do. Not. Refresh. The. Page. Patience is key here. Clicking the link right as the clock strikes 10am local time is milliseconds faster and makes all the difference. Bonus if you grab extras to disperse to the fam and keep out of the hands of scalpers.

Snacks. On hand 24/7. Sweet. Salty. Savory. Spicy. Vegan. Be prepared. You’ll never know what she wants and she won’t either. Keep her hydrated while you’re at it. She is a water fowl after all.

Set the mood. Skip the Slow Ready vs So Ready debate and go straight for the Ted Tapes. A Goose Chick wants you to take her through all four phases of the Moon in the back of a Camino deep in the Forest.

Don’t sweat your small stuff. A little bit goes a long, long way if you know the moves. Here’s our top three:

1. The Handini - Don’t Twiddle with it. Pull up a chair and give her the service she deserves like when Peter tickles the ivories on the epic 9/17/20 Rosewood.

2. Toss the Arugula - slap her skins like Jeff’s percussion on Earthling or Alien from last Goosemas.

3. Tremorbass - if this needs explanation, I fear for the future of humanity. After the peak climax in Honeybee (reference 11/6/20 from the 4:50 mark on), it certainly doesn’t hurt to pull down your sunglasses, look deep into her soul, and read her some poetry.
   

Most importantly, create a culture of consent. Don’t ruffle any feathers. Use clear, direct communication. Ask for feedback. Listen. React immediately and appropriately.
Keep it Ted at all times.

Goose chicks are wiser than Elmeg, stronger than This Old Sea, brighter than the Whitest Lights, and ultimately, tired of the Same Old Shenanigans. Keep your heart on your sleeve, your intentions Madhuvan pure, and let her Lead the Way.